Thursday, 07 February 2008
 Progress
Today at therapy I was told that "when you have heard such odds as mine and death is a real possibility, it makes real sense why I cannot sleep at night." It felt nice I think for someone to validate my feelings, giving worth to my fears. For the last year I have not been grounded in life. I am in school but have no job. I have a family but live 700 miles from them; I have not really been involved in living. And I have not been able to sleep thinking about all of it. My mind has been left to wonder, negativity and fear crept in. With no really plans to look forward to, I imagined nightly what it would be like to not be here. I was giving into those negative thoughts and that extended into my daily life. I got behind in school, refused to get a job, and found myself retreating into seclusion. While it is difficult for others to realize what moving on from cancer is like they can support you through this. And as my feelings were validated at the therapist I realized, I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT.
There are things I can do to collect my thoughts and regain a positive outlook on life. That is to get involved in living again. Now that I have a wedding to plan, I have not even thought about being sick. I look forward to starting over with my fiancé and in a few years having a family of my own. I remind myself of why I am getting my masters which is to learn more about digital media communications and pursue a career as an art director. While writing papers is not fun, it is part of learning and part of what I must do to reach my educational goals. My therapist is holding me responsible for this. And as I begin to engage in daily life and future goals, there is something to look forward to. There is life after cancer. It is up to us to live it!
And now I will go work on one of many papers I have past due....
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Posted on 2:30 AM by kelli
Saturday, 02 February 2008
Hey everyone,
Fresh into the New Year and my mind is quickly shifted to WEDDING PLANNING. Steve and I set a date! I will be married off on July 20, 2008. The next 6 months are going to be crazy!! I am excited!
These events could not have come at a better time. The distraction of the wedding allows me to focus my mind on something fun. It is the best way for me to plant myself on solid ground and think to the future as recently I have been boggled by thoughts of uncertainty.
It is hard to fight cancer but I think with triumph in that battle comes more hard times. When as survivors we are forced to re-enter a world and life that demands we push forward. When the odds of death are great and against all odds we pull through, life is different. Often life is refreshed and great. And then there are days when fear and doubt invade our minds. With this new life, there are uncertainties. But this is what makes life so amazing, not knowing everything, not having it all figured out. While one thing is sure, we all die one day; it is what we do in life that matters.
This is why I have decided to get my masters in digital media communications and why I speak out for skin cancer awareness. And this is what makes my days moving forward as a Stage 4 Melanoma survivor more rewarding. And there is even more to make me happy now with a wedding and all. Comments (1) (1 Awaiting Approval) | Submit Your Comment
Posted on 10:04 AM by kelli
Saturday, 19 January 2008
Its a new year and should be an exciting one. Its a new year of celebration
Well, I haven’t blogged in a while and apologize. The holidays were a little overwhelming but in a good way. I went home to Michigan from Thanksgiving to a few days after Christmas. It was a wonderful trip. I really enjoyed my family and friends. Steve even came with me for a week to visit. We shopped ‘til we dropped the day after thanksgiving. We made gingerbread houses with my nephews. My sister graduated from nursing school at Michigan State University (I’m so proud of her). We had family dinner at my uncles with all the cousins and kids. I got to see lifelong friends and spend Christmas Eve with them. My family and I celebrated Christmas. This year was bigger and better then all before. It was great to watch my nephews open presents and enjoy themselves. Then my twin sister and packed up camp and drove back to New York. She visited for over 2 weeks.
We had a blast!! We went to Atlantic City to the Borgata. We went to New York City and got to be tourist. We checked out South Seaport, the Bodies Exhibition, and saw Legally Blonde on Broadway. We rang in the New Year together with Steve, his brother and friends. It was a great trip. I just wish she lived here. She just headed back to Michigan to begin a new job as a nurse at the one of the best hospitals in Lansing. Overall, the holidays were great!!! But I have to admit that I am glad they are over. Life needs a routine, normalcy, and schedule. Who am I kidding, I never have that. Hahaha… Well, I do have school (a new semester of grad school), wedding planning (we need to pick something and soon) and soon I will need a job.
I started a diet this new year, in hopes of getting ready for my wedding. I have lost about 10 lbs so far which is fabulous. I saw a lot of doctors while I was home. I found out that I have allergies. It explains a lot. Haha… I am allergic to cats/dogs, mold, dust, oak tree. It is fantastic to realize what it is making you feel the way you do. I also, saw my cancer doctors.
I went to my oncologist for my 2.5 year check up. While I remained calm for the weeks and days leading to it, the day of the appointment was a disaster. I psyched myself out I think. I had my CT exam on Friday. I didn’t think about the tests or the appointment all weekend, mostly because I was so busy. Then on Tuesday the pressure mounted. I was almost shaking sitting in the waiting room. Then when they called me back I just hysterically cried until my doctor assured me that everything was perfect. Haha… It doesn’t get any easier. These appointments come, and the further away from treatment without reoccurrence the better but each time is the most terrifying day on my life.
Well, all that said. I am perfectly healthy with no signs of cancer! FABULOUS!!! I can focus on school, wedding, life, knowing that I am healthy and cancer-free. I return to that torture in April for my 3 year check-up. And I am sure the story will be much the same and hopefully, without all the freaking out. So here I am, HEALTHY AND CANCER-FREE. See me roar!
Thanks for your prayers and kind wishes!
Posted on 5:01 PM by kelli
Wednesday, 05 December 2007
Well there is no sun here to worry about, right? I am currently in Michigan where it is 20 degrees and snowing. I haven't seen the sun in days. But who am I kidding, I love it! Nothing makes you feel like Christmas is coming like SNOW! As long as I do not have to drive in it, I love it. My vacation is going great! One thing you will learn about me is that I love to travel. My sister graduates college this weekend. I had my Christmas shopping done weeks ago and I am really enjoying time with my family.
Well I had been pretty nervous about an appointment I had at the dermatologist to look at a few moles that I have. I was pretty sure that we would be removing some. Considering I haven't had any moles removed since I was 16 years old, all I could remember is that it’s painful. Who am I kidding? After all the surgeries I have had, Lord knows I can handle pain. But handling it and liking it are two different things. So my fears took over. Well, my dermatologist said that everything looks great and none of my moles look concerning. So that made me feel a lot better. The last time I actually saw a mole on my body that was melanoma was about 8 years ago, so I think I just freak myself out. As I am starting to do now for my next appointment.
In two weeks I have my 2 1/2 year tests and check up with my oncologist. FREAKY! In my heart I know everything will be fine but in my mind I am going nuts. The bad dreams, morbid thoughts, and chest pains have started. The brain is such a powerful thing. Last week, I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep and my thoughts were suddenly consumed with sadness. I kept thinking about the worst. I kept thinking about what would be important and how one would spend their time if they knew they were dying. The funny part is that I kept thinking about my great grandma who is the only one of my grandparents left alive. She is 94 years old and man she must have seen and experienced so much. Well anyway, these thoughts consumed me and I got so sick to my stomach that I almost threw up. I had to get out of bed and hover over the toilet. It is crazy how all those negative thoughts can make you physically sick, violently sick. I had to call on Jesus. Just saying his name a few times made me calm. I went right in and fell asleep like a baby. Weird!
I know that I am healthy and fine. And I can not wait to report the good news. I am not sure if many people can understand the doubt and fear that takes over just weeks before a check up appointment, like a cancer patient. I guess after years and years of dealing with cancer and hearing the bad news more than once, it’s hard to let that go. I don't live in fear or let fear take over but I have to admit that on occasion, normally close to an appointment time, those thoughts do slip into your mind.
I am not crazy, right? Other experiences this from time to time? I guess that is why I started this blog. I wanted to share these experiences and thoughts perhaps offering understanding or community for those also surviving and/or fighting cancer. I know one thing that consumes my thoughts, homework! And I have tons of it. So for now, you will find me in the books.
These are the special times!!! Enjoy the holidays!!!!
-kelli
Posted on 2:52 AM by kelli
Monday, 19 November 2007
Headed home for the Holidays... Hello again,
I can't believe that the holidays are here already. I don't know if you know this about me but I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS. I have most of my shopping done already and its not even Thanksgiving. That is how much I love the holidays. Tonight I am headed home to Michigan to see my family. It is about a 11 hour drive. My fiance is coming with me for Thanksgiving. I will be staying in Michigan until December 28th. There are so many things coming up both to look forward to and dread.
I look forward to spending time with my family. I look forward to eating tons of great food and playing games. My twin sister is graduating for Nursing school in 20 days (I know this because she has a count down on her myspace.com page and her AIM name). It makes me laugh. I am so proud of her. I think that I want to get a job or volunteer to wrap presents at the mall. How happy would I be if I could wrap presents all day (VERY HAPPY). My sister and I are going to volunteer at a soup kitchen, she doesn't know it yet though. Its going to be great.
 Things I am dreading... Well the Monday after Christmas I am going to be having 3 or 4 moles removed. One on my arm, one on my leg and one on my back. They are bothersome. I requested that they be removed. Two of them look like the Melanoma I had before it turned to Melanoma. So right now they are nothing but I don't want to sit around and wait for them to be something. The other mole, my doctor always tells me to watch. And since its on my back that is nearly impossible. So off they come. There is no messing around at this point. I have to admit that I am pretty darn unhappy about it though. It has been almost 8 years since I have has a mole removed. And from what I remember it wasn't fun. I have come to cope with fear when I know if can save my life, a lesson I have learned through all of these years of surviving cancer.
Second, I am not looking forward to my 2 1/2 year check up. I have all my CT Scans and blood test just before Christmas. Then I go see my cancer doctors the week after. I go every 6 months to the doctors. And the last trip was the big one. The doctors said if I could go two years with no since of cancer after the IL 2 treatments it is very very rare for it to ever come back. I trust them I do, but it still doesn't make me any less scared to go. Before I had made it 5 years after stage 3 and 8 years was the all clear. And it came back. Two years was such a great milestone. After that appointment it felt great. I took everyone with me, my mom, sister, fiance. It was funny because the examine room was packed. Positive thinking tells me that it will be a great appointment where all I hears is how wonderful all the test come back. But the sliver of fear eats like a termite on wood, grinding my stomach into a billion little pieces.
So, for now I am going to focus on all the good. The time with family, thanksgiving food and fun, and black Friday shopping. Love it! I just can't wait to get home, where I hear it is snowing and supposed to continue. I am about to spend 11 hours in a car so, i know you don't wish you were me. =) Happy Holidays!!!
-Kelli Posted on 10:39 PM by Kelli
Monday, 05 November 2007
Hello everyone!!! 
I am excited to make my first post of this blog which I found inspiration to do through the emails and comments I have received on my myspace.com site (www.myspace.com/skincancerawareness). I am sure you have read from my story that I am a stage 4 melanoma survivor and only 24 years old. In the last year I have really embraced that statement "I am a stage 4 melanoma survivor) and shared my story with the world. And it feels great! Many of us think it will never happen to us, that word cancer. Or many of us think and might find that this journey of surviving skin cancer is a lonely one. BUT... that is why I wanted to start blogging about it. You aren't alone, you aren't the only one, and sadly there are many other teenagers, young adults, and adults’ alike going through similar experiences. And I think that it’s about time we talked about it.
Awareness is the best defense. And now that skin cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in young adults ages 20-35, it is time to talk, share and learn about sun safe habits. So, I am so excited to share my thoughts and hear yours. There will be many more post to come.
Kelli
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Posted on 2:25 PM by Kelli
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